Triz on the Panthers and their stellar play of last night

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOO, I finally got a chance to watch a little hockey last night, and holy shit, could I have picked a worse night to watch? I don't want to even discuss the Sabres game, even though my beloved Jason Pominville managed to at least send them into OT to get a point. So I guess that was something.

The little hockey I watched last night was the Panthers/Penguins game, and holy shit it did not disappoint. I don't even know how to sum up the awesomeness that was the Panthers last night, so why don't we let the team captain sum up their effort for us:

"Seriously, it's embarrassing," Olli Jokinen said. "Our best players have to be our best players. That's the first step. After that, the rest of the guys will follow."

Well, Olli, that all well and good in theory, but let's take a look at the players that are following you:

Nathan Horton: Man, in all honestly, no hate here, brother. This dude has to hands down be the most talented man in hockey. Not so much for his actual hockey skills, but because he looks like a living, breathing version of some monster I saw on that episode of Scooby Doo, where Scooby and the gang meet up with the Harlem Globetrotters in Mexico, and yet, amazingly enough, he gets to go home at night and hook up with a Playboy Playmate. And she's not even sedated first (allegedly).

Tomas Vokoun: Is that even his name? I'm not sure. I tend to be like everyone else down here, and that is, every goalie after Roberto is just "Mr. Not Luongo" to me. But who cares? South Florida is the place goalies go to die. After recent goaltender history, any goalie who puts on a Panthers sweater is considered successful as long as he doesn't cause another member of his team to be hospitalized or flips the fuck out and goes on a crazy drunken bender, destroying public property and assaulting police officers.

God I miss Ed Belfour.

Wait where was I?

Oh yes. I would be remiss if I didn't mention Gregory Campbell, OF COURSE.

Now, to be fair, Greg had the lone goal for the Panthers last night, and it was the only shorthanded goal the Panthers scored this season, and if the fact that it was scored by Greg doesn't shame the rest of his teammates into suicide nothing will. This makes a walloping THREE goals on the season. Which is hilarious when you think about who he was playing against. Namely, Sidney Crosby.

Because when you think about it, a hockey season is nine months long. Greg Campbell has scored three goals thus far. The last time Sidney Crosby only scored three goals in a nine month period, it was when he was gestating in his mother's belly. So, what I am trying to tell you is that Greg Campbell is less talented than an undeveloped fetus. It's a documented fact.

ANYWAY the Panthers shouldn't feel so bad. The Penguins will continue their march through Florida with a game in Tampa tomorrow, and that should be another episode of epic fail. It's amusing how the winds of change have just blown through this organization. Four years ago, every woman in Tampa Bay between the ages of 18-40 (and a lot of the men!) wanted Brad Richards to use her backside for target practice. Now, all I hear on the sports radio programs is how this guy needs to be traded ASAP. Holy shit, bandwagon much, people?

-- by Triz, whose posts I post for her will now be pretty and colourful!

Deriding the Panthers: fun that never ends

By team member Triz, once again the Forrest Gump of blogging. Or perhaps me just plagarizing her emails, who's to say? But that's okay. I still think she's a hot piece of ass. I mean, astute hockey analyst. Right. Moving on.

Last night when I got a text message that Jacques Martin had pulled Tomas Vokoun at the hilarious time of 7:10 into the game, I damn near wanted to get into my car RIGHT THAT SECOND AND DRIVE DOWN TO MIAMI TO WITNESS THIS CLUSTERFUCK ON ICE FOR MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why? I don't know - attending a Florida Panthers game is kind of like when you feel compelled to slow down and gape at the pileup on the side of the roadway, or how you can't flip the channel when they are performing surgery on the Discovery Channel. You WANT turn away, you know you NEED to turn away, you end up mostly queasy and hating yourself for watching, but some twisted, freaky part of you can't look away.

The most hilarious thing, though, is that the benching was not the freakiest part of last night's game, THIS was:

Later, defenseman Steve Montador got his second goal in a week by firing a long shot from beyond the right circle to tie the score.

Let me just repeat that, STEVE MONTADOR, the National Hockey League's Most Prolific Benchwarmer, He who has led the league in healthy scratches two years running, he who has spent more games in his career as a Panther in a suit as opposed to a uniform, scored his SECOND GOAL IN A WEEK.

And honestly, given the absolute lunacy of the above statement, I think any further mocking would be a little redundant.

So we'll move on. Hey, why don't we get our good friends from the Miami Herald to get some quotes from some Panthers themselves regarding their recent play:

"It's embarrassing, captain Olli Jokinen said.
Goaltender Tomas Vokoun said: "It is quite actually embarrassing."
Defenseman Bryan Allen said: "It's unacceptable."

OK, OK, I was going to go with "humiliating;" "nauseating;" "gave me the runs;" and/or "likely to spurn you into a homicidal rage," but I suppose "embarrassing" and "unacceptable" are reasonable substitutes.

Trying to motivate his team, Jacques Martin has taken the Panthers to boot camp and had them meet with a sports psychologist. On Wednesday, he benched the team's highest-paid player early in its game against Ottawa. What he does next is anyone's guess.

Um, I'm no psychologist myself, but, after last night, the loss Saturday, and the Panther's recent play of late in general, my guess would be what Jacques does next is lock the garage door, seal the windows, and begin fellating the ol' exhaust pipe, but that's just me hazarding a guess. Here's a little tip to anyone in the Panthers organization who got Jacques in this year's Secret Santa raffle: shoelaces= bbbaaaadddd idea.

Talking shit, Thrash talk later today

Triz is once again gracing us with a little commentary on the Florida Panthers - because there's nothing we love more than making fun of the Florida Kitty Cats. Except shopping, chocolate, and sex. But we're digressing.

From the Miami Herald:

It does not appear that the struggling Florida Panthers are going to turn things around by making deals. Coach and general manager Jacques Martin said he believes in his team, but they need to start playing as a unit before they dig themselves in too deep.

No of course they aren't. Why would it even be inferred that the Panthers would do something intelligent like trade away dead weight *coughgregorycampbellcoughcough* and get a few more players that actually, you know, know how to play professional hockey. As opposed to what the Panthers are currently playing, which is a game I believe is called "Everyone Stand Around Looking Panic Stricken Like It's Our First Time On A Sheet of Ice Until Jokinen Bails Us Out." Occasionally, they will get a little wild and play a couple periods of "Holy Shit Why I Do I Have This Stick In My Hand? Let Me Recklessly Flail It About In Hopes I Do Something Good," and on occasions rarer still, they play a few rounds of "Let's See Who Can Take The Stupider More Ill-Timed Penalty This Period?" which is a game admittedly dominated by, sadly, my beloved Bryan Allen and, of course, Greg Campbell. However, my favorite game by far is a little something they've been playing A LOT of recently, which we like to call, "How Many Creative Ways Can We Come Up With To Completely Implode And Blow This Lead With Mere Minutes Left?" I think when it comes to completely Forrest Gumping your way through a tight thrid period, no one does it in such a spectacularly inept fashion as the Florida Panthers. They are the Old Masters of Failure. In fact, if Failure was an art form, Jacques Martin might very well be its Renoir. It's with an almost balletic grace that his players manage to step on skates and shoot pucks directly into their own net. It's a Opera of Faux Pas, a symphony of inadequacy and he is its maestro. Why they would they want to bring a player in who might actually NOT be a liability every time he jumps over the boards? It would only mess things up.

To all this, honestly, we say bollocks! Mostly because we love saying it. Go on. Say it. We'll wait.

See? Fun, ain't it? Anyhoo. We say bollocks. Or "that's a steamin' crock a'shit," if y'uns is from the south, like we'ns is. Because seriously, I think we all know that if there is any team in this league that is master at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, it is SE division bedfellow, the Washington Capitals. We have an odd love-hate relationship with the Caps. We love them as individual people, we hate them as a team. We love them on paper, hate them on the ice. However, we will concede to How You Do that no one takes a lazy penalty, or displays magnificent ineptitude, like one Gregory "Yay neoptism!" Campbell.

Further proving our point is the Caps' loss to the Kittens last night. Because, really? Seriously? Ouch. If I was a Caps fan, I'd be sounding the death knell right now. Brian Sutherby was the first casualty of this trainwreck of a season. Many Caps fans are saying, so long and good riddance. We'll admit we haven't really followed the Caps lately, but slamming the door on the ass of the only MVP of the Young Stars game you've ever had, maybe not the wisest plan, particularly when you need a good, strong centre for the two Sashas. But hey, this is why we're not the GM and are just bloggers, right? Those who can do, those who can't play for the Panthers GM the Capitals write.

But on the plus side, we won 3,000 bones last night thanks to Todd White's OT GWG. We may not know much, but we can pick winners. And probably guys to centre hall-of-fame wingers. Just sayin' though.

New team member

Everyone, please welcome to the stable of FWH writers (and researchers), She was my Rushmore. Clearly she sucks at picking a good nom de plume for the ol' intarwebs, but can write like nobody's business. You can check her blog over at My safety is Harvard, where she waxes hysterical on the Buffalo Sabres.

Also, we see all of you regular readers. Don't think we're incapable of internet stalking! Don't be afraid to say hi, leave a comment, tell us that we're complete morons and should go fuck ourselves. We love comments! By the way, have you lost weight or something? You're looking really good today. Did you do something new with your hair? We love it.