15 November 2007

The 82 Hockey Cliches (Understanding the coach)

This was floating around many years back, and it's been added onto many times over the years. I'm posting it where the world at large can read it cause it's damned hilarious, and you probably have a cliche to add. If you do, hit that comment button below!

Understanding the coach: The Coach-to-English dictionary

At last, hockey's secret code has been cracked. Everyone knows hockey coaches speak in their own language. Finally, after years of exhaustive study, that code has been broken. Usually, the coach speaks in code when he's trying to sugar-coat his assessment of a player or his team. We now know the difference between "what a coach says" and "what a coach really means." Here's a list of the most common "code" phrases used by coaches, also known as the 82 hockey cliches (even though there's not 82):

Code: He's a role player.
Translation: We think he can play a role, we just haven't figured out what that role is yet.

Code: He's a "character" guy.
Translation: He makes us laugh, tells jokes and does impressions.

Code: He's good in the room.
Translation: We should leave him in the room because he's useless on the ice.

Code: He brings intangibles.
Translation: We're not sure what he brings to the team.

Code: He's a competitor.
Translation: He competes every night, he just doesn't win very often.

Code: He's gritty.
Translation: He needs a bath.

Code: He's hard-nosed.
Translation: He's dumb enough to lead with his face.

Code: He gives us physical presence.
Translation: He takes up space.

Code: He's a technically sound goalie.
Translation: His reflexes are lousy.

Code: He's a reflex goalie.
Translation: He hasn't got a clue on how to play the angles.

Code: He's a power-play specialist.
Translation: I like having an extra man out there to cover screw-ups.

Code: He's a stay-at-home defenceman.
Translation: He can't skate and carry the puck at the same time.

Code: He's an offensive defenceman.
Translation: He can't play defence.

Code: He adds toughness.
Translation: He's here for two shifts a night and start fights on both of them.

Code: He's an all-around player.
Translation: He doesn't do anything particularly well.

Code: He's feisty.
Translation: He chirps at the opposition, the refs, and the fans, and takes dumb penalties at crucial times.

Code: He's got experience.
Translation: He's lost with better teams.

Code: He has tremendous upside.
Translation: He can't get any worse.

Code: He's a "project."
Translation: This guy was abandoned in the jungle as a small boy and taught to play hockey by the family of gorillas who adopted him. And I'm supposed to coach this?

Code: He's a grinder.
Translation: It's 50-50 he'll miss an empty net from three feet.

Code: He's got a good work ethic.
Translation: He tries his little heart out, but he still sucks.

Code: He's a playmaker.
Translation: He had better pass, because he shoots like my grandmother.

Code: We've got good chemistry.
Translation: We may be lousy, but we all get along.

Code: We're rebuilding.
Translation: We suck this year and we probably will the year after that too.

Code: We're shaking up the lines to add offense.
Translation: I'm pulling names out of a hat and hoping it works.

Code: We're letting him see the game from above so he can learn.
Translation: He pissed me off so much the last game, I want him as far away from me as possible.

Code: We only had a few bright spots tonight.
Translation: I just watched my career as a coach go right down the drain.

Code: Things are turning around for us now.
Translation: We don't suck as much as before, and I can keep my dinner down watching these losers.

Code: He's our star.
Translation: He can actually play hockey.

Code: We played undisciplined hockey.
Translation: The ref sucked.

Code: We were not as good as we should be.
Translation: How can these high school dropouts get paid millions for that shit they spewed on the ice tonight?

Code: We need to work harder.
Translation: No more all night benders the night before.

Code: He's in the best shape of his career.
Translation: He has a no trade clause in his contract.

Code: He's "Street Tough."
Translation: I would rather waste a roster spot to prevent another team getting this thug and taking out all my best players!

Code: His hockey roots run deep.
Translation: His father, uncles, and older brothers played here and were legends so we have to keep this worthless piece of shit to keep the alumni money coming in!! (More college related)

Code: He's an offensive threat.
Translation: He has to introduce himself to the tendy and d-men after an icing.

Code: He's on offense 100% of the time.
Translation: We have to be careful with this idiot. He'd score on his own goalie.

Code: He's our secret weapon.
Translation: We put him on ice when we don't know what the fuck else to do.

Code: It's an honor just to have made it to the playoffs.
Translation: I'm not sure how we did it, and you can bet it won't happen again.

Code: He's elusive.
Translation: He's a chicken shit.

Code: The kid has a ton of heart.
Translation: I've seen more talent at a reservation pick up game, but he's the only guy to show up to optional practices.

Code: He's a finesse player.
Translation: We borrowed him from the figure skating league. He's never seen a corner in his life. He might as well not be wearing shoulder pads so he can skate quicker to get out of the way.

Code: He's a player with endless possibilities.
Translation: Squeegie boy, skate guard, figure skater.............

Code: He has a ton of leadership qualities
Translation: To old to be useful, talks a lot, takes the game way to seriously cause he knows this is his last dance. Most actually don't listen to him, but say they do to avoid controversy. Basically on the team cause he was better when he was a rookie.

Code: We don't have to get back to basics with him -- possibly the best skater on the team.
Translation: All he can do is skate.

Code: He's the team's assists leader.
Translation: Couldn't take a shot on net if his life depended on it.

Code: He's the player to watch
Translation: He fucks my daughter one more time, I'm cutting off his balls!

Code: We played a solid game -- the other team just outplayed us.
Translation: Because we were playing pull-your-dick and they were playing hockey.

Code: Our effort just wasn't there tonight.
Translation: I don't know what the fuck happened.

Code: He's a solid two-way player.
Translation: He couldn't score on a $2 whore.

Code: He's got a tonne of potential.
Translation: He'll be another Jason Bonsinore.

Code: He needs sometime to develop in the farm.
Translation: He's going to be a career minor-leaguer, hang em up when he's 30, open a bar, and talk about the good ol'glory days.

Code: We have come a long way together.
Translation: He's been blowing me since pee-wee.

Code: Our team is built around speed this year.
Translation: I don't have anyone over 5'10". They'd better be fast or they're gonna get their asses kicked.

Code: We're not looking past this team. We have a lot of respect for those guys.
Translation: If these losers beat us, I'll kill myself.

Code: I take full responsibility for the loss.
Translation: It's all the players' fault.

Code: Someone in the dressing room needs to step up.
Translation: Even if they did listen to me anymore, I wouldn't have a clue what to do.

Code: We have a flu bug going around the room.
Translation: They're so hungover they can barely tie their skates.

Code: I thought we competed well and hung in there for a lot of the game.
Translation: Are you kidding me? That team has hall-of-famers on their third line. If they hadn't played an 18-year-old prospect in net, it would have been 14-0. We're just happy to come out with nobody dead.

Code: He's set to become our offensive threat.
Translation: Wouldn't pass the ketchup.

Code: His shot just needs to settle down a little bit
Translation: Couldn't finish a Milky Way.

Code: We have a lot of depth at that position.
Translation: We've got more D'men than we know what to do with, and we need 'em cause they all suck and they're out of shape.

Code: He has a lot of energy, and I feel confident double shifting him.
Translation: .... cause none of those other losers'll do anything.

Code: He covers the bottom of the net well.
Translation: He falls down a lot.

Code: He controls his rebounds well.
Translation: He falls down on the puck a lot.

Code: We need to work with him on his stickhandling.
Translation: If he wanders out of his net to give the damned puck to the other team one more fucking time, I'm waiving his ass.

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