09 January 2008

Triz on the Panthers and their stellar play of last night

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOO, I finally got a chance to watch a little hockey last night, and holy shit, could I have picked a worse night to watch? I don't want to even discuss the Sabres game, even though my beloved Jason Pominville managed to at least send them into OT to get a point. So I guess that was something.

The little hockey I watched last night was the Panthers/Penguins game, and holy shit it did not disappoint. I don't even know how to sum up the awesomeness that was the Panthers last night, so why don't we let the team captain sum up their effort for us:

"Seriously, it's embarrassing," Olli Jokinen said. "Our best players have to be our best players. That's the first step. After that, the rest of the guys will follow."

Well, Olli, that all well and good in theory, but let's take a look at the players that are following you:

Nathan Horton: Man, in all honestly, no hate here, brother. This dude has to hands down be the most talented man in hockey. Not so much for his actual hockey skills, but because he looks like a living, breathing version of some monster I saw on that episode of Scooby Doo, where Scooby and the gang meet up with the Harlem Globetrotters in Mexico, and yet, amazingly enough, he gets to go home at night and hook up with a Playboy Playmate. And she's not even sedated first (allegedly).

Tomas Vokoun: Is that even his name? I'm not sure. I tend to be like everyone else down here, and that is, every goalie after Roberto is just "Mr. Not Luongo" to me. But who cares? South Florida is the place goalies go to die. After recent goaltender history, any goalie who puts on a Panthers sweater is considered successful as long as he doesn't cause another member of his team to be hospitalized or flips the fuck out and goes on a crazy drunken bender, destroying public property and assaulting police officers.

God I miss Ed Belfour.

Wait where was I?

Oh yes. I would be remiss if I didn't mention Gregory Campbell, OF COURSE.

Now, to be fair, Greg had the lone goal for the Panthers last night, and it was the only shorthanded goal the Panthers scored this season, and if the fact that it was scored by Greg doesn't shame the rest of his teammates into suicide nothing will. This makes a walloping THREE goals on the season. Which is hilarious when you think about who he was playing against. Namely, Sidney Crosby.

Because when you think about it, a hockey season is nine months long. Greg Campbell has scored three goals thus far. The last time Sidney Crosby only scored three goals in a nine month period, it was when he was gestating in his mother's belly. So, what I am trying to tell you is that Greg Campbell is less talented than an undeveloped fetus. It's a documented fact.

ANYWAY the Panthers shouldn't feel so bad. The Penguins will continue their march through Florida with a game in Tampa tomorrow, and that should be another episode of epic fail. It's amusing how the winds of change have just blown through this organization. Four years ago, every woman in Tampa Bay between the ages of 18-40 (and a lot of the men!) wanted Brad Richards to use her backside for target practice. Now, all I hear on the sports radio programs is how this guy needs to be traded ASAP. Holy shit, bandwagon much, people?

-- by Triz, whose posts I post for her will now be pretty and colourful!

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